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I pride myself on living in the present moment and have been known to shout in my heart if not from memory aloud Mark Twain’s words “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
I remember (in 2016) when I seized the moment…
Did I ever seize it?
I realized in the last week I’ve been not in my best plane this year. I’ve been lonely more than I’ve been fulfilled and surrounded by dear friends. I’ve been scared and restless more than I’ve felt safe and secure. I’ve disappointed myself more than I’ve felt proud or even slightly satisfied.
What’s up with that?
I might blame it on the speeding ticket in mid-January.
I might blame it on the no traveling thing from me, such a wanderluster.
I might blame it on “not the world’s best choices” and give some ra-ra speech about how I’ll do it for the gipper next time boss.
What did I do?
I started #5for5BrainDump when didn’t know what the heck I was doing and almost cancelled it the first time but the excitement from people who never even participated in it made me go on.
I could have stopped at any point but I haven’t.
I could have kept better track of engagements.
I could have finished more stuff.
I remember Sunday when I was so present, I watched the cashier’s fingers with such love and now it just sounds psycho and creepy but. I don’t even trust my fingers on the keyboard right now.
And if I was any of you, I would say, “Honey. What is true about you underneath the grey smudgy exterior?”
Did you love well?
I don’t think I did, actually.
Can you change that in the future and in the now?
I have been working on it, focused no it.
Can you change what was of 2016?
No, but I may change my relationship with it.
I did get some bits and pieces of my house prettified. Long procrastinated projects getting finished. I forgot that, probably because I’ve been critiquing the unfinished.
So, I have a couple weeks to finish. To greet my children with that smile when they walk through the door.
To plan what’s important to end out this MoFo year and start again.
Clean, white canvas daily.