10/31/2017 0 Comments
Now I choose to be engaged by….my work, my precious life work – what I can control is my output, my willingness to step into this precise moment and create something of meaning that compels others to be more clear and more exhilarated with and by their own experiences.
Earlier I chose to be engaged by the process of decluttering. I made a trip to the dump – a sort of ritual for me with my friend, Cameron. We go to the dump almost weekly. I’ve been wanting to get rid of a lot of stuff that is no longer necessary or is in disrepair.
Today I looked at what I was throwing away and I thought, “This is what my depression looks like. This is my depression made into form,” and in throwing it away and no longer allowing it to have space in my life, I felt a calm fall onto my shoulders.
It was like when I get a massage, the gentle touch and the lifting of worries out of my body via conscious human interaction.
We laughed on the way to the dump, my hands slightly scaly and we laughed more when we saw a historical marker seeming to mark nothing, anywhere and on my way to photographing it I thought I would stumble and then THAT could be marker.
“Normal people don’t do this,” I giggled. “I can see it now! I called out to Cameron as I took a photo. “The new historical marker will say ‘this is the spot where the woman taking a photo of the historical marker to nowhere died trying to get back to the car.”
Instead of saying “normal people don’t do this’ with disdain, I said it with laughter and joy. Perhaps even a trace or two of holiness might be seen.
As we drove away from the dump I felt lighter, my hands felt dryer and scalier and I realized in giving up this broken, weary, not useful “stuff” which had taken on the physical form of my depression, I was also letting go of what was broken, weary and not useful in me anymore.
I had removed items that were important and that had been forgotten in the interim.
All was well. All is well. I am continuing to choose to engage. Choose to engage.